Five reasons my niece will be a criminal. Or President.

Killing Innocent Bystanders with her CUTENESS. Obviously this photo is old. If this Auntie doesn't get new photos soon as requested, certain pics (rhyming with loiter) of 2008 will make an appearance on this blog.

There’s a fine line between criminal behavior and brilliance. She walks it like a Cirque du Soleil artist.

1)      At the age of two, she walked from the kitchen to the living room where she informed my sister, “Mama, there’s fire. I like it.” Turns out she put a chip clip in the microwave for twenty minutes and had a nice blaze going. She told everyone for weeks that she was a “Chip Clip Murderer.” If she turns out to be a pyro, we’ll be able to trace the tendency to a very early age.*

2)      Last October my sister came to San Francisco for a visit. In her absence, her husband had a contractor out to their home to lay concrete in their backyard for their new Jacuzzi. He looked away for five minutes to take care of paying the contractor for his work. When he looked back, my niece had run back and forth through the wet concrete. While I admire her enthusiasm for leaving no inch of concrete untouched, I do hope she learns to not leave evidence in the form of her footprints behind.

Revealing her true self, or as we affectionately call her, BABYZILLA

3)      Someone else’s toys always look better than her own. She torments my five-year-old nephew by playing with all of his toys. To add insult to injury, she does this in his room. We’re pretty sure if we left the two of them alone for any length of time, she would tie him up and lock him in the closet.

4)      She’s charming. And cute. Seriously. It’s disgusting how this kid works a crowd wrapping everyone – kids and adults – around her dimpled fingers. Even better, she’s no pushover. If she doesn’t like something, she tells you. You always know where you stand with her, but somehow she makes you laugh while insulting you. (By the way, brat, I’m taking all of your birthday presents back for the next ten years. Remember that the next time you refuse to talk to your Auntie on the phone.) She’s three. I’m terrified of her teen years. I’m also looking forward to watching her give attitude to my sister. Their battles are going to be EPIC and movie-theater-popcorn-with-extra-butter worthy.

5)      About a week ago, upon returning home from an early morning errand, my sister drove up to her house to find my niece twirling in the front yard in a tutu, tap shoes, and her underwear. Flinging the innards of a newspaper about, so it looked like a black-and-white paper-beast had been slaughtered in the front yard, my niece informed my sister that she was putting on a tap-tap show for the neighbors. Always thinking of others, my girl.

Not even the Trampoline Disaster of 2010 (an unfortunate incident in which my five-year-old nephew – with nothing but a pair of dull scissors and his wits – had to free her from a trampoline zipper that tried to eat her braid leaving her with an unruly section of hair that, according to my sister, makes her look like a rooster) can put a damper on her cute factor. Whether it’s for bail money or a political campaign, I think it’s time her parents start a fund on her behalf.

*To those who might ask, “where was her mother when this maniac kid was doing these things?” I have four things to say. (1) my niece is sly like a ninja, (2) my sister has 4 kids, (3) my sister is a frickin’ AWESOME mother whose kids are happy, well-adjusted, and LOVED in a major way, and (4) my sister has FOUR kids.