My Thanksgiving was Great, Thanks. How was Yours?

This Thanksgiving I flew myself to Los Angeles to stay with my sister, her husband, and their 4 kids for the long weekend. We made the 65-mile trek to my mom’s for Turkey Day, along with my two brothers and their families. Chaos ensued. Here are the highlights.

1. My Sister’s Pre-Birthday followed by her Birthday – When did birthdays stretch into more than one day? I felt sorely abused and taken advantage of by her excessive use of the “it’s my birthday” card every time I disagreed with her. Well, guess what? My birthday’s in May. It’s my pre-birthday 6 month marker.
2. Midnight Madness at the Mall – Black Friday kicked off at midnight at the mall. After a Thanksgiving dinner. After two pieces of pie. And turkey. Only my sister pulling the “it’s my birthday” card could have put me in that mall. Payback’s hell. That’s all I’m saying.
3. Phrase of the Weekend – After reading my “10 Things I’m Thankful For” blog entry, my sister and our friend, Lesa, adopted this phrase into every conversation: I frickin’ heart [insert object of lust here]. For instance, at one point I shrieked, “I frickin’ heart BJs.” This sounds dirtier than intended and was said way louder than it should have been. I was actually talking about BJs Brewery and their house-brewed root beer. For those who had whiplash from turning to stare at me, mind your own business!
4. Sarcastic/Bitter Phrase of the Weekend – I frickin’ heart [insert here]. Example: I frickin’ heart shopping at midnight on Black Friday because my sister blackmailed me into it with “it’s my birthday.” Or “I frickin’ heart revenge.”
5. Suicidal Ken – I walked into the kids’ bathroom after two girls – ten and eight – had wrapped up an afternoon of playing Barbies. I discovered Ken hanging upside down by his feet from the window pane. He was either (a) attempting to commit suicide by forcing the blood to his head until it exploded (you’re such a tool, Ken), or (b) Barbie decided to hang him out to dry while she found a new man. I vote option B.
6. Six Adults Standing Around a Deep Fryer – We decided to go the heart-unhealthy route this year and deep fry our bird. I stood several feet away, so at least one of us would be able to dial 9-1-1. We all escaped unharmed to enjoy the BEST TURKEY EVER. Thanks for asking.
7. A Trip to Neverland (otherwise known as Green Valley, CA) – This is WAAAAY out in the hills. When explaining to a friend where it is, my sister told her “it’s where the rainbows touch the earth, the unicorns frolic in the valley, and leprechauns hand out pots of gold.” I laughed so hard, I almost forgave her for Midnight Madness in the Mall, especially when my 5-year-old nephew kept asking where the unicorns were on the drive up. I frickin’ heart my sister.
8. My Nephew’s Response to My Sister Asking Why He Didn’t Close the Bathroom Door for Privacy – “Mom, why you gotta get all up in my business?” He’s five. And believes in unicorns. My sister is in for a world of trouble.
9. A Moment of Shared Understanding between Siblings Followed by a Moment of Shared Laughter Between Siblings – We had whole conversations with just our eyes. And then we mocked a common friend who came to Thanksgiving dinner. At least it wasn’t each other for once. That’s love, man.
10. Explaining to my 14-year-old Nephew that Auntie’s Kisses are Like Snail Tracks – Slimy, and leaving behind a wet smear. And proceeded to quietly threaten him with said kisses and cheek squeezes. While his friends looked on. He laughed as he always does when I tell him I intend to he is old maid Aunt Bunny with a hundred cats and ugly sweaters with pompoms. Stupid kid knows I’m allergic to cats. And old maids.

I hope your holidays were as great as mine!